Diabetes Talking

Question:

I had some more thoughts…. My bf and I have learned a couple of coping strategies you might find helpful. When I’m on the hypomanic side, and the paranoia/anxiety sets in, I’ve learned to steer clear of him until it subsides. That’s because I recognize I am probably being paranoid, and I don’t like to set him on a rollercoaster ride of my irrational self- doubts and insecurities. We’ve gotten into some messes in the past because I’ll start to doubt his feelings towards me. So I’ve learned to lay low and warn him off me for a few days, while I work on adjusting my meds. If I clue him in that I’m in a paranoid mood, he understands and forgives! Meanwhile, when I’m on the depressed side, he’s learned not to let me sink into myself. I can get to the point where I stop contacting people and just want to be left alone. I’ve explained to him that the best thing he can do when I get this way is to keep after me, drag me out, call me, stop over – and be persistent when I try to fend him off. He used to think I was deliberately ignoring him or mad at him, and we’d get into disagreements unnecessarily. The point is, it takes ongoing communication, a lot of patience, and understanding. jen * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

Response:

Leslie Well I’m not married, but my BP did keep me from marring a very special person. It was during the period of adjusting to my medication and working things out. I was a dick to her. I would scream, yell, call her everything in the book, but sweat Jesus, and then 5 mins later tell her that I loved her.     2nd bp or I’m bad about falling in love real easy and then 6-12 months later it’s bye, bye, see ya later thanks for shopping. I’m really getting better at that due to age and knowledge of my disorder. I will tell you one thank that if you do get married and I wish you the best of luck it will not be a dull moment. There will be a lot of laughs and a lot of crying. Yes we can be very moody and at times very loving. SEX, SEX, SEX, and more SEX at times too. My best advise is too read up on bi polar and make sure that the future husband takes his meds and takes care of himself, body, mind and sprit. Excursive, Excursive make him it will benefit both of you. — Later Brian D. Bearden TM 10SC

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am very interested as to how those of you who are diagnosed BP manage to deal with serious dating & marital relationships? What are the most difficult things to deal with….with yourself & with your partner? – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – ..And those of you who are not BP but are in a serious relationship or married to someone diagnosed as BP….again, What are the most difficult things to deal with…with yourself & with your partner?  - –  - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – I have been dating a guy for almost a year who is diagnosed as BP.  I have seen him experience highs & lows but I’m not sure about what else may possibly happen. Do people with BP tend to avoid committed relationships & withdraw, requiring more privacy? How do I let him really know that I am there for him, no matter how bad things may get? I love him but I wonder: have I bitten off more than I can chew?

Response:

Allegra, Thank you so much for taking the time to open your heart to me regarding your marital relationship & how a partner deals with BP highs & lows.   I am trying to learn as much as I can regarding this condition since I care very deeply for a man who is BP.  I have been through his ups & downs with him for nearly a year (& several med changes). I truly understand how your husband feels. It’s barbaric to not  be supportive of a partner with this condition since one would be loving & supportive if the diagnosis were diabetes or cancer.  As long as I know the connections between us shift due to the BP & not due to me or our relationship, then I can learn to protect myself & ride it out.  I agree about the personality traits you mentioned that seem to be frequently found in BP’s:  kind, loving, sensitve, caring, creative etc.  It is worth it to me becaue he is such a wonderful person otherwise & I feel so very fortunate to have him in my life. I feel more grounded in how to deal with this.  —Thanks, again.

Response:

Great advice!  It sounds like something from the John Gray books (Mars & Venus).  THNX!—Leslie

Response:

..And those of you who are not BP but are in a serious relationship or married to someone diagnosed as BP….

In addition to the fine contributions to this thread, I’d recommend you check http://www.bpso.org too. It’s a place devoted to questions exactly like those you’ve asked. BPSO = BiPolar’s Significant Others. Beepers aren’t allowed in. Hope it helps, and best wishes for you and your sweetie. perspex. Before you buy.

Response:

I am glad that you have posted on relationships. Looking back to all the relationships that I have destroyed, I can filially see that this disorder has had a hand in them. My b/f now is very understanding.  When I am going thru my mood swings he usually sets on the sofa and smiles.  He knows that within minutes I will be over whatever mood I am having.  His mother is bipolar too, so I guess that is why he understands so well.

best when it’s open!

Response:

I am very interested as to how those of you who are diagnosed BP manage to deal with serious dating & marital relationships? What are the most difficult things to deal with….with yourself & with your partner? – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – ..And those of you who are not BP but are in a serious relationship or married to someone diagnosed as BP….again, What are the most difficult things to deal with…with yourself & with your partner?  - –  - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – I have been dating a guy for almost a year who is diagnosed as BP.  I have seen him experience highs & lows but I’m not sure about what else may possibly happen. Do people with BP tend to avoid committed relationships & withdraw, requiring more privacy? How do I let him really know that I am there for him, no matter how bad things may get? I love him but I wonder: have I bitten off more than I can chew?

Response:

(PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS FORUM & NOT TO MY E-MAIL.  THNX!)

Response:

Hi Leslie, I am very interested as to how those of you who are diagnosed BP manage to deal with serious dating & marital relationships?

Well…it has not been easy. I have been married for nearly 34 years …31 were undiagnosed years. What are the most difficult things to deal with….with yourself & with your partner?

Accepting the DX. My spouse also aceepting my DX. He is supportive and has learned alot about BP Illness. He wa the one who suggested I become involved in the support ngs. Peace, — Lynda

Response:

Dear Leslie: The worst thing for me is knowing that I am responsible for most of the stress that we have in our marriage.  My mood shifts and presto, my personality changes like a chameleon on a plaid shirt.  I can get irritable (very) and snap at him without meaning to be unkind.  Or I may get so morose I want to kill myself.  It is damned hard for him to take it, esp. when I openly announce my suicidal feelings, but somehow he does take it and is always there for me.    He has read up on the illness and is always understanding when my mood shifts.  I use a lot of meds and he knows them all and helps me remember to take them.  I have done nothing in my life to justify the level of cherishing I get from him, but it is a large part of what makes our relationship a success in spite of my problems. It helps if you have a partner willing to become knowledgeable about bipolar disorder.  It’s important that your partner understand that there will be times when your mood will shift through no fault of your own.  I think it is mandatory that the bipolar person do everything in her/his power to stay stable — take meds as prescribed (no quitting or messing with dosage),  eat well (a high-sugar diet is terrible),  get enough sleep, exercise, etc. Good physical health helps.  I don’t know why, but it does. To me it boils down to the responsibilities of each person in a relationship with one bipolar:  The bipolar must do everything possible to stay stable and to carry his/her weight in the relationship..  The other partner must learn that stability is not always possible with a bipolar and develop the necessary psychological strategies to deal with the oscillations. Recrimination is damaging to both people whichever way it flows and should be avoided.  This is not always possible as non-BPs are only human and bipolars can be extremely exasperating to live with (so says my spouse, anyway).   He has told me that as long as he is aware that my unpleasant moods (whether depression or manic irritability) are a function of the disease and not what I truly am he can handle it by distancing himself emotionally during those times.  When I regain my stability he is always there. I know I am uncommonly lucky in my marriage but I truly believe that bipolars can offer a great deal in a relationship in spite of their sometimes damaging tendencies.   Most the BPs I know (and I am in contact with several) can be extremely sensitive and caring, and very tolerant of others’ problems because they have problems themselves.  Because we feel vulnerable we are sensitive to the vulnerabilities of others.  Many of us are creative.   All of us are human, with the same needs everyone has.  We just have a little more trouble than most people. I hope this is of some help to you. Regards, Allegra

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am very interested as to how those of you who are diagnosed BP manage to deal with serious dating & marital relationships? What are the most difficult things to deal with….with yourself & with your partner? – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – ..And those of you who are not BP but are in a serious relationship or married to someone diagnosed as BP….again, What are the most difficult things to deal with…with yourself & with your partner?  - –  - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – I have been dating a guy for almost a year who is diagnosed as BP.  I have seen him experience highs & lows but I’m not sure about what else may possibly happen. Do people with BP tend to avoid committed relationships & withdraw, requiring more privacy? How do I let him really know that I am there for him, no matter how bad things may get? I love him but I wonder: have I bitten off more than I can chew?

Response:

Brian, Thanks for your very honest information.  My guy is no doubt divorced due to this condition because I know that he did display behavior such as you so explicitly described.  I think that he carries a tremendous amount of guilt because of this.  I’m sure that things like "failed love relationships" make this condition even harder to live with because I think maybe BP’s may need a little more love than the average person, yet they seem to be loners out of self=protection, & perhaps, protection of others. Thanks again for sharing your personal insights.

Response:

Lynda, Thanks for your input not only on this topic but on all the others that I have raised.   This NG has been so helpful to my learning about BP.  You, especially, have always been so quick to respond & you have such a wealth of information that you share.   I am very grateful.   …Wishing you "etenal balance," Leslie

Response:

This is an interesting topic. Don’t know if my response will be what you are looking for, but here goes. I am divorced and if you ask my ex he’ll tell you that my bp was the cause of our divorce. He’ll say i flipped out one day and decided, out of the blue, i wanted out of my marriage. Ask me, and I’ll tell you the stress of being in the wrong relationship, and wanting out, is what triggered my bp in the first place. Now I am in a new relationship, which has lasted about 2 years. I met my bf after I was dx’ed and put on meds. He has never seen me really "out there," although he’s weathered minor mood swings and occasional but short-lasted breakthrough mania/depression. My bf was very hesitant about getting involved with me at first. Actually, I knew he would not date me if he knew, so I didn’t tell him for the first 3 months – not until I knew we had potential. By that time, he knew me well enough to decide I seemed pretty "normal," so he stuck in there. He has said a million times that I’m more "normal," even-tempered, and less moody than most of the so-called "normal" women he’s dated! Bless his heart… I’ll tell you the worse and best thing about my bf, in regards to my bp. The worse thing: deep in his heart, he doesn’t believe in bipolar. I knew this going into the relationship. It bothers me that he feels this way. Don’t get me wrong – he is supportive and encourages me to keep up with my meds – but still, little comments will sneak out, as in, "Maybe you’re just normal afterall and the meds are just a placebo?" I know he means well, and I can see why he’d think this way – afterall, he’s never seen the effects of me off the meds… the meds work so well, everyone considers me normal! So, the lesson here for you is this: don’t discount or minimize this disorder – it is very real. The best thing about my bf: there is just something about him, I don’t know what it is, but when I’m feeling off-kilter, a little too jumpy, or a little too down, he just has to hold me and it sets me straight again! I can’t explain it, but I wish I could bottle it! I almost feel like it’s something to do with his body chemistry – phermones or something. It is an actual, physical reaction! Emotionally, he is also ideal for me…. I am a high-strung emotional type by nature…. he is cool-headed and rational…. he complements me so nicely. My bipolarity makes me feel like an emotional radar – I’m overly sensitive to picking up on other’s emotional signals. This can drive me crazy – like picking up too many frequencies on a radio. My bf is the opposite…. he’s not the emotional type, but very rational. Being around him is like turning off all those frequencies, because he doesn’t emit any. It’s very comforting. Also, he is very objective…. that has been a great help for me, because I can have trouble going down too many rat-holes in my mind … I find it difficult to step back and be objective because I see everything and anything all at once, and can’t help but give it all equal weight. I’ve learned to rely on my bf to help me sort through it all, because he has very trustworthy judgement. I’m sure I’m not the easiest person to live with, but if there was anyone who could live with me, it’d be him. Hope that helped? jen * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

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