Diabetes Talking

Question:

I grew up always knowing and now, as an adult, have no "issues" with adoption.  Clearly it was best for all concerned.  I just finished reading Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina, she writes that adopted infants experience separation and loss difficulties as they grow.  She explains that even infants realize that they have been separated from an important person and will go through the 5 stages of grief (i.e., Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) at several points in their life.  This books also makes connections between being adopted and other emotional and mental difficulties.  Adopted people can and are generally just as well adjusted and secure as biologic people.

Response:

I grew up always knowing and now, as an adult, have no "issues" with adoption.  Clearly it was best for all concerned.  I just finished reading Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina, she writes that adopted infants experience separation and loss difficulties as they grow.  She explains that even infants realize that they have been separated from an important person and will go through the 5 stages of grief (i.e., Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) at several points in their life.  This books also makes connections between being adopted and other emotional and mental difficulties.  Adopted people can and are generally just as well adjusted and secure as biologic people.

Knowing is always better, regardless of how difficult the truth is.   1. For medical reasons, it could be a matter or life and death. 2. On an emotional level, even if you didn’t know, you’d realize something was wrong.  You know how it feels when you’re the only one in the room who doesn’t know a secret?  Pretty alienating.  Considering how alienating adoption can be anyway, this would only make it worse.  Of course, handling it properly is essential, and a whole’nother subject.

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I remember being told I was adopted.  I was six, maybe seven.  A first grader.  I was okay about it at first, but had a lot of trouble dealing with that fact from about ages 8 through 17.  I denied being adopted to people who asked if I was.  I think I was so ashamed because my family never brought up the adoption after I was told.  I was told and the subject was dropped.  I think I didn’t seem to understand what it meant until I was 8.  By that time, I was too embarassed to talk about it with my parents because they never mentioned it.  I would cry myself to sleep many nights wondering why I was given up.  I would go into stores and see women and wonder if she was my birth mom.  All the while I had a great childhood.  I came out of my shell when I was 17 and had my first real boyfriend.  Coincidentally, he was also adopted.  His family was open about it and it came up frequently.  He was very comfortable with it, so I came to accept it and became more comfortable.  Now I am seriuosly dating another adoptee. My point is that I think that being told later in life (say adulthood) would produce anger and hurt.  But I also believe   that after you tell a child, you should make him feel comfortable about it and not deny it.  My family never spoke of it.  If somone said to my mother and I, "Gee, you two look alike", we would try to change the subject.  Don’t ignore adoption.  Be open with your child.  It may save him a lot of emotional distress.  It would have for me.

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I believe it is right to tell the children as soon as possible. I cannot remember when my parents told me….. but it was early….as early as I could comprehend im sure… I feel this was valuable…I grew up knowing i was special.. that my parents had chosen me..that they cared…and it was ok to be adopted…… I never think about it now unless someone brings it up…its not an issue for me….if you wait too long it will become an issure…. and maybe one that causes a great deal of pain…… ~Cat Catherine "Live life with and exclamation! Not an explanation."

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It is absolutely ESSENTIAL that children know they are adopted from the time they are born!!  If you wait, you are almost guaranteed problems.  My husband wa s adopted and can’t even remember when he found out–he just always knew. One book I was reading recommended that you start mentioning it as soon as you bring the baby home (yes, even though he/she’s "just" a baby) by saying things like "you are such a wonderful baby, Daddy and I are so happy that we adopted you."  

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<sorry I had to snip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I fall under the last category.  I was told at very early age that I was adopted, and they even told me what it meant.  They told me the circumstances surrounding my birth, my mother’s name, and a few other minor details. But when it came to searching, I was essentially shut out as far as that topic was concerned.  "We don’t want to know if you look, we don’t want to know if you don’t look.  We don’t want to know if you find her or not.  we want to know absolutely nothing."  wonderful support that.   Rather indicative of the kind of support I was graced with for the majority of my life at home with them, and even afterwards.  Though I mus admit, they did a pretty good job, all things considered.  They weren’t bad parents, they just weren’t really ready to have a kid…  But at the least, they did the right thing telling me all they knew.  At least, I think they did.  I can never really know, but it seems to have helped immensely.   Dan

Even knowing — and having their help — the search is a pain. We play the search game… obsticles abound… When people vest their emotions in a child, they don’t often want to know he’s looking elsewhere for identity.  It’s human. But they did give you a starting point.  That’s a lot more than many here have gotten.

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But more important than the "telling", I believe, is the continued attitude of the adoptive parents towards adoption issues as the child grows older. Many adoptees have complained that their adoptive parents did indeed tell them of their status as adoptees at a very young age–and then never bothered to mention it again. Other adoptees were told that they were adopted, and then told to *never* tell anyone that they were adopted. Still others have spoken of their families being very adoption-positive–until the adoptee decided to search for his/her birthparents.                             Lainie–reunited adoptee and birthmother in an open adoption

I fall under the last category.  I was told at very early age that I was adopted, and they even told me what it meant.  They told me the circumstances surrounding my birth, my mother’s name, and a few other minor details. But when it came to searching, I was essentially shut out as far as that topic was concerned.  "We don’t want to know if you look, we don’t want to know if you don’t look.  We don’t want to know if you find her or not.  we want to know absolutely nothing."  wonderful support that.   Rather indicative of the kind of support I was graced with for the majority of my life at home with them, and even afterwards.  Though I mus admit, they did a pretty good job, all things considered.  They weren’t bad parents, they just weren’t really ready to have a kid…  But at the least, they did the right thing telling me all they knew.  At least, I think they did.  I can never really know, but it seems to have helped immensely.   Dan

Response:

I would like to comment on this, as I am a thiry year old female who found out last week that I am adopted, as is my sister, and that the two adoptions were completely separate, giving no natural connection betweeen us. I still look upon my adoptive parents as the only ones, but it is still really difficult accepting the truth after so long. My adoptive mum (who was the reason we weren’t told) died 18 months ago, and this opened the door for my adoptive dad to tell us what he thought we should have known all along.

Your situation is almost exactly like mine: I have an older sister, also adopted, and we found out after our mother died, when I was 28 and she was 31. A shock indeed! And yes, accepting the truth is hard–not the logic of it, after all, I’ve seen the papers. But while I have no trouble accepting that the woman I knew as my mother did not give birth to me, I do have trouble believing that someone else did. Of course, I use the word "believe" loosely. Yes, I know someone else did. But I can’t quite picture it. It isn’t–I don’t have words for this–part of what I know about myself. You know, that set of facts that we all carry around about ourselves and our history. I can’t incorporate it into my history. I now  have lots of questions, but the only person who knew the bulk of the information was my adoptive mum who is no longer here to ask. I was just about coming to terms with not having mum around, yet now I find out all kinds of stuff, and quite frankly, whilst I have great people around me and  I still love my dad a huge amount, the idea of going loopy or having a major identity crisis is hanging over me at the moment rather like the sword of Damacles. IMHO it really is better to know all along, or never at all. Telling me now (my sister is 34) has comletely turned a happy normal life upside down. If a secret can be kept so completely for that long then I would have to vote for keeping it permanently.

I understand your dismay, but I have to admit that for me, while it did turn my life upside down, it was also liberating. It helped me to understand so much of what was going on when I was growing up. It also has made me angry. But then, I’ve had nearly 3 years to get used to it, while the shock is still apparently fresh for you. I don’t agree that keeping it a secret forever would have been better. I’m glad that I know, and glad that the decision of what to do about it is now, appropriately, in my hands rather than my parents’. Give it time. It may take a few years, but talk to your dad about what you feel. My dad also felt that we should have known all along; it was my mother’s idea to keep it a secret. That doesn’t absolve him of responsibility in the decision, though, and that’s an anger I’ve got to confront. I’ll never be able to tell her now how I feel about that decision, but I can work through my own feelings about it. And I can see the positive effects of knowing the truth; I now understand my family dynamics better, I understand my own dissimilarities, and, I suppose, that I don’t have to worry quite as much about the rampant adult on-set diabetes that runs in my father’s family. In the long run, knowing may well be best. It has been for me, and I certainly hope that for you, some good comes of this. Lesli

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I was on the phone last night with one of my newfound cousins and I told her how always knowing I was adopted, and all the circumstances around it, had really helped me get through a lot of things.  She told me she tought it was a good idea for kids to know as soon as possible.  She based this on twins who were friends of hers.  They were told at the age of 18 that they were adopted, and subsequently they hung themselves together.   I realise that this is an extreme case, and that most people are more able to deal with finding out something like that, but overall, would you say it’s better to know (as I did) for as long as you can remember, or to tell someone the truth when they reach "legal" age? Dan, whose aunt who held him when he was born, and was thrilled when he found his bfamily, is now in a coma and on life support 2 weeks after the reunion…  she will be taken off life support soon…  fate is strange.

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I realise that this is an extreme case, and that most people are more able to deal with finding out something like that, but overall, would you say it’s better to know (as I did) for as long as you can remember, or to tell someone the truth when they reach "legal" age?

I believe very strongly that children should be told that they are adopted from the time they enter their adoptive family. Even though little babies cannot understand what the word "adoption" means, if they hear the word often enough, it will not be an unfamilar and forbidden topic as they grow older. But more important than the "telling", I believe, is the continued attitude of the adoptive parents towards adoption issues as the child grows older. Many adoptees have complained that their adoptive parents did indeed tell them of their status as adoptees at a very young age–and then never bothered to mention it again. Other adoptees were told that they were adopted, and then told to *never* tell anyone that they were adopted. Still others have spoken of their families being very adoption-positive–until the adoptee decided to search for his/her birthparents. It is therefore important that adoptive parents not only "tell" the adoptee from a young age that s/he is adopted, but to also recognize that adoption is something that does not go away; that the adoptee can and will have questions and issues surrounding adoption at the various stages of his/her life, and that it is the adoptive parent’s responsiblity to meet and understand these needs.                             Lainie–reunited adoptee and birthmother in an open adoption

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Path:

thebes.demon.co.uk!news.demon.co.uk!demon!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!newsfee d .internetmci.com!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!arlut.utexas.e d u!news.io.com!not-for-mail – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Newsgroups: alt.adoption Organization: Illuminati Online Lines: 18 NNTP-Posting-Host: pentagon.io.com X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] I was on the phone last night with one of my newfound cousins and I told her how always knowing I was adopted, and all the circumstances around it, had really helped me get through a lot of things.  She told me she tought it was a good idea for kids to know as soon as possible.  She based this on twins who were friends of hers.  They were told at the age of 18 that they were adopted, and subsequently they hung themselves together.  

I would like to comment on this, as I am a thiry year old female who found out last week that I am adopted, as is my sister, and that the two adoptions were completely separate, giving no natural connection betweeen us. I still look upon my adoptive parents as the only ones, but it is still really difficult accepting the truth after so long. My adoptive mum (who was the reason we weren’t told) died 18 months ago, and this opened the door for my adoptive dad to tell us what he thought we should have known all along. I now  have lots of questions, but the only person who knew the bulk of the information was my adoptive mum who is no longer here to ask. I was just about coming to terms with not having mum around, yet now I find out all kinds of stuff, and quite frankly, whilst I have great people around me and  I still love my dad a huge amount, the idea of going loopy or having a major identity crisis is hanging over me at the moment rather like the sword of Damacles. IMHO it really is better to know all along, or never at all. Telling me now (my sister is 34) has comletely turned a happy normal life upside down. If a secret can be kept so completely for that long then I would have to vote for keeping it permanently. Sorry if I was rambling. LC

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I realise that this is an extreme case, and that most people are more able to deal with finding out something like that, but overall, would you say it’s better to know (as I did) for as long as you can remember, or to tell someone the truth when they reach "legal" age? I believe very strongly that children should be told that they are adopted from the time they enter their adoptive family. Even though little babies cannot understand what the word "adoption" means, if they hear the word often enough, it will not be an unfamilar and forbidden topic as they grow older. But more important than the "telling", I believe, is the continued attitude of the adoptive parents towards adoption issues as the child grows older. Many adoptees have complained that their adoptive parents did indeed tell them of their status as adoptees at a very young age–and then never bothered to mention it again. Other adoptees were told that they were adopted, and then told to *never* tell anyone that they were adopted. Still others have spoken of their families being very adoption-positive–until the adoptee decided to search for his/her birthparents.

What Lainie said, and in spades.  I can especially see why the last might be scary for the parents, but hey, it’s scary for the kids too. My father was an adoption attorney who worked for most of the agencies.   This meant that literally every night the topic of adoption was dinner-table conversation.  Adoption was mundane without at all being unimportant, and there was no question of anybody being uncomfortable with the subject, and I can’t imagine a better way to grow up with any fact about myself.  If parents want their kids to be comfortable with this significant aspect of their life, they need to show that they’re comfortable too; if they’re not comfortable, I suggest it’s their obligation to practice at getting that way.  One of the points in favor of Lainie’s first-paragraph suggestion, starting to tell the little baby before s/he is old enough to understand, is it gets the parent used to talking about it too. Deborah Stevenson

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Hello…   Oops…   I forgot to put a subject header in the post I just sent out to the group…     To see my reply to Item 41075, "Is always knowing better?", please refer to Item 41139, "<None".   I appologize for any inconvenience.   I hate it when that happens…                                                 – Kim at Pitt.

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I, and the other three kids on my family, have always known we were adopted and judging by some of the posts I’ve read here it has made a tremendous difference.  Being adopted was simply another characteristic that made us us.  Kinda like knowing your parents are French-Canadian even though no one speaks French in the family and you don’t keep contact with any of them.  You still know it, you imagine it may have some impact, but for the most part it’s quietly tucked-away with the rest of your genetic baggage.

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I am adopted and I agree with you I was told from day one and it has been a positive experince in my life I was told I was special because I was "chosen".  I have always been made to feel special and loved,adoption just happens to be a part of it.

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