Tactfulness, thy name is Mom (not)

Diabetes Talking » Diabetes Type » Tactfulness, thy name is Mom (not)

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Question:

I totally understand what you’re going through I’m almost 27, and my mother went back to school and became a personal trainer. Talk about ick….. So I’m ALWAYS hearing it. According to her I’m about twenty pounds overweight and at a high risk for Type two Diabetes. According to my physician, yes I could lose a little weight, but other than that I’m healthy, including my blood sugar. He told me, "What do I have to do to convince you that you don’t have Diabetes?" I said, "It’s not me that needs the convincing." I tell my mother this and she says that my doctor isn’t reading the latest research. She’s always on me about my weight, and it really ticks me off. I’ve worked very hard my entire life; done through countless psychologists and anti-depressents; to feel better about myself. I’m going to school and working hard to make a career. I have a nice apartment and two best friends and three furry owners. I’m living reasonably okay for a girl of my age and I feel happy just to be alive. I’m reasonably happy with myself and I like having that feeling. But just as I do, she goes and pulls me right back down. It’s always something with my mom and dad. It’s not my weight, it’s money, since they have been supporting me since I went to college at 18. I go to school and work, but I don’t have enough to support myself so they help out with a monthly allowance. And if it’s not that, it’s my career as a technician. Where am I going to work after graduation? How much will it pay? "You need to have a set plan when you graduate this time so you don’t repeat what you did at UCLA" After graduating from UCLA with a bachelor’s in theater, I was sending out my headshots looking for an agent, and trying to work temp jobs and stuff. I ran out of money, and yes I know I gained weight and developed a slight drinking problem so I decided to go back to school. I know they don’t want me to repeat the same mistake, and I certainly dont either. Like I said, I had a slight drinking problem, and though it’s not completely fixed, it’s a LOT better than it used to be. To me that says something. To me, any progress is better than none. So when my mother calls me up and says, "I noticed you’re checking account was low so I looked at it and those trips to the liquor store are going to have to stop" WTF????? She doesn’t know the first about my problems, mainly because I refuse to tell her cause I’m sick and tired of her criticisms. And besides, she is one of the reasons why I drink in the first place. My parents have given me a lot. They support me financially every month and I appreciate and hate it very much. But it will be a while before I can support myself so I can’t do anything. I was going to do springboard diving training this summer with an NCAA coach but I can’t because I can’t afford it and I’m not going to ask my parents for money. This is why I don’t talk to my mother that often. This is why I don’t fly home and visit often. And this is why I don’t plan to have kids. I worry a lot just like my mother, and I know if I have kids I will worry all the time, but I’m sure as hell not going to put my kid through what my parents have put me through. And I know it is emotionally painful for them to have to deal with me, and I’m not going to go through that either. "We’re not going to be here forever. The bank’s not going to give you any money, and your brother and sister aren’t going to loan you any either." Yeah, like i really would stoop so low as to ask my siblings for money. But they are my parents, and my mother will always be my mother. I just wish I can have a conversation with her without always resisting the urge to strangle her. Okay, enough rambling… Hugs to everyone who has mother and parental issue Kristi

Response:

I’m five feet tall exactly and I’m supposed to be closer to 100-110 pounds…. A load of BS if you ask me My mom once said I should be a size 4. She hasn’t said it since, but i’ve never forgiven her for saying that. Kristi

Response:

Unless you are 2 ft 6 ins high, she has got it well wrong Cheers, helen s

Response:

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s horrible! Would she rather have an anorexic daughter who dies of a heart attack before age 30, or a fine healthy daughter who’ll be there to take care of her in her old age!!!???? I *HATE* this "image is everything" society we’re living in! People need to learn what’s important in life and stop judging people by what’s on the outside instead of what’s on the inside. I still say, it’s the size of a person’s heart that matters, not the size of their hips!!!! Hugs, CatNipped – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Kristi

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My mom doesn’t do this to the extent Monique describes, but sometimes she gets on a tangent and won’t let up. I remember once when my folks were in town we went out to dinner. I’m a natural blonde but my eyebrows have always been darker than my hair. I also don’t pluck them into non-existence like some women do, I just keep them trimmed in their natural line along the brow. That particular evening I used a clear NO COLOUR eyebrow gel when I put on my makeup. Mom kept staring at me and asking why my eyebrows were so dark. I told her I’d used the gel stuff. Still she stared. "But I don’t remember them being so dark." "Well, it makes them look a little darker, I guess, but you know they’ve always been dark, Mom." A few minutes later, "I just can’t get over how dark your eyebrows are!" You get the drift? Apparently the topic for dinner conversation was going to be my eyebrows, come hell or high water! Jill

You sound like part of my family. I have several cousins with naturally blonde hair and dark eyebrows. I’ve always thought it was an unusual and attractive combination. Jo

Response:

Hey, I am a size 4, size 2 sometimes depending on the manufacturer. But I am far rom anorexic. I eat my fair share. Just have small bones. All my life I’ve never been in a normal weight according to the chart. As a kid, I was teased about how skiny I am. Only found out recently my classmates nicknamed me sticks. My doc is not concerned, even told me to watch my sugar intake as I have a family history of diabetes. And I am way past my 30s. I am counting the years before I can collect a pension as I don’t have a job. Winnie

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m five feet tall exactly and I’m supposed to be closer to 100-110 pounds…. A load of BS if you ask me My mom once said I should be a size 4. She hasn’t said it since, but i’ve never forgiven her for saying that. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s horrible! Would she rather have an anorexic daughter who dies of a heart attack before age 30, or a fine healthy daughter who’ll be there to take care of her in her old age!!!???? I *HATE* this "image is everything" society we’re living in! People need to learn what’s important in life and stop judging people by what’s on the outside instead of what’s on the inside. I still say, it’s the size of a person’s heart that matters, not the size of their hips!!!! Hugs, CatNipped Kristi

Response:

I have an idea that USA sizes are not the same as UK ones. What would be the bust/waist/hip size for a USA size 4? I think the shoe sizes are different too. Tweed

Response:

Oh Winnie, I didn’t mean that everyone who is a size 4 is anorexic (in fact my daughter is a size *negative* one and is far from anorexic). What I meant is that if you’re not *meant* to be a size 4 but that’s your "ideal" and you starve yourself to get there, then *that’s* a problem that can lead to serious medical risks. Being health has nothing to do with the numbers on clothes or scales – either small or large, it has *everything* to do with eating healthy and exercising appropriately. Hugs, CatNipped – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m five feet tall exactly and I’m supposed to be closer to 100-110 pounds…. A load of BS if you ask me My mom once said I should be a size 4. She hasn’t said it since, but i’ve never forgiven her for saying that. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s horrible! Would she rather have an anorexic daughter who dies of a heart attack before age 30, or a fine healthy daughter who’ll be there to take care of her in her old age!!!???? I *HATE* this "image is everything" society we’re living in! People need to learn what’s important in life and stop judging people by what’s on the outside instead of what’s on the inside. I still say, it’s the size of a person’s heart that matters, not the size of their hips!!!! Hugs, CatNipped Kristi

Response:

Asians have a greater chance of diabetes, cause it runs in my family too. So I’ve got that against me and i’m "overweight" so as my mom put it I have a "50 percent chance of making it to age 60" or something like that.. hmph Hell, i’ll be happy if I can just make it to 30. Sure I want to lose weight, but I also want to finish school. I want to train and be on the diving team next year and do well. I want to fix my financial situation and learn a lot more at work. I’ve got a ton of things I want to do, and losing a lot of weight just isn’t that important to me right this moment. All my friends say I look fine and I feel fine. I’m happy to be alive and have the things that I have, and to me that’s enough. All I need to do now is get financially independent and fine a nice man, and I’ll be happy. Kristi

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My mom doesn’t do this to the extent Monique describes, but sometimes she gets on a tangent and won’t let up. I remember once when my folks were in town we went out to dinner. I’m a natural blonde but my eyebrows have always been darker than my hair. I also don’t pluck them into non-existence like some women do, I just keep them trimmed in their natural line along the brow. That particular evening I used a clear NO COLOUR eyebrow gel when I put on my makeup. Mom kept staring at me and asking why my eyebrows were so dark. I told her I’d used the gel stuff. Still she stared. "But I don’t remember them being so dark." "Well, it makes them look a little darker, I guess, but you know they’ve always been dark, Mom." A few minutes later, "I just can’t get over how dark your eyebrows are!" You get the drift? Apparently the topic for dinner conversation was going to be my eyebrows, come hell or high water! Jill You sound like part of my family. I have several cousins with naturally blonde hair and dark eyebrows. I’ve always thought it was an unusual and attractive combination. Jo

You can sort of see what I mean here, although my hair in this photo is looking more reddish than blonde! Also no makeup but then I rarely wear it when we’re working the shows out in the heat… melts right off your face. http://community.webshots.com/photo/203065637/379447333ryOWhN Jill

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m five feet tall exactly and I’m supposed to be closer to 100-110 pounds…. A load of BS if you ask me My mom once said I should be a size 4. She hasn’t said it since, but i’ve never forgiven her for saying that. Kristi Unless you are 2 ft 6 ins high, she has got it well wrong Cheers, helen s I have an idea that USA sizes are not the same as UK ones. What would be the bust/waist/hip size for a USA size 4? I think the shoe sizes are different too. Tweed

I can fit in some 3/4s, but sometimes have to get a 5/6. Bust – 34 inches (86.36 cm), waist – 23 inches (58.42 cm), hips – 34 inches (86.36 cm). [In figure measurements I prefer inches... 34-23-34 sounds much better than 86.36-58.42-86.36!! ;] I have humongous clown feet (even though I’m only 5′5") and have to get a size 8W – my feet are 10 inches long and 4 inches wide. Hugs, CatNipped

Response:

Beautiful, Jill – I wish I were that photogenic! John’s one lucky guy. Hugs, CatNipped

Response:

On 2005-06-26, Mischief penned: Sure I want to lose weight, but I also want to finish school. I want to train and be on the diving team next year and do well. I want to fix my financial situation and learn a lot more at work. I’ve got a ton of things I want to do, and losing a lot of weight just isn’t that important to me right this moment.

See, this is my problem. I’m into lots of strenuous exercise, and it’s awfully difficult to lose fat when you’re also trying to at least stay even on your athletic performance. If you eat less, you have less fuel for the workout. I do want to lose weight, but not if it means feeling like I’m dying every time I go for a ride. — monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. Oh, don’t let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it’s her job to tell you. I remember once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat’s pajamas in, and my mom’s remark was, "Aren’t you getting a little hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt) Now there’s nobody to tell me when I look hippy Sherry

My mom doesn’t do this to the extent Monique describes, but sometimes she gets on a tangent and won’t let up. I remember once when my folks were in town we went out to dinner. I’m a natural blonde but my eyebrows have always been darker than my hair. I also don’t pluck them into non-existence like some women do, I just keep them trimmed in their natural line along the brow. That particular evening I used a clear NO COLOUR eyebrow gel when I put on my makeup. Mom kept staring at me and asking why my eyebrows were so dark. I told her I’d used the gel stuff. Still she stared. "But I don’t remember them being so dark." "Well, it makes them look a little darker, I guess, but you know they’ve always been dark, Mom." A few minutes later, "I just can’t get over how dark your eyebrows are!" You get the drift? Apparently the topic for dinner conversation was going to be my eyebrows, come hell or high water! Jill

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. Oh, don’t let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it’s her job to tell you. I remember once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat’s pajamas in, and my mom’s remark was, "Aren’t you getting a little hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt) Now there’s nobody to tell me when I look hippy Sherry You look hippy. Gracie a mother is a mother is a mother

LOL! Don’t forget to add "…in that outfit". It’s the mom’s way of making the criticism sound like it’s not really the daughter’s fault… except it is because she chose the outfit!

Response:

Wow..talk about Brit forthrightness, LOL! Nonetheless, I’m sure you eventually forgave her, but that didn’t help the hurt, did it? My Mom was overweight, and she died in ‘69 (the day they held "Woodstock Festival" in NY). The only reason she didn’t say stuff like that was that I was skinny up till about 20 years later…..But Moms got other ways to push our buttons, don’t they? Sincere wishes for you feeling much better every day forward.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now." Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt. She doesn’t just pull this stunt with me … while we were staying with my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated to my aunt) about how you wouldn’t want to be a woman who’s been married several times … when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were visiting some of my aunt’s friends, one was talking about a horrible flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You’re lying. Lufthansa always serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried to shut her up. There’s a quote I found … I honestly don’t know where it comes from (anyone know?) … but I wish I could somehow make Mom’s words pass through this filter before they came out her mouth: "The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, ‘Are these words true?’ If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate, we ask, ‘Are they necessary?’ At the last gate, we ask, ‘Are they kind?’" -Eknath Easwaran — monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca Ah Monique how I wish I had heard that quote many years ago. I, like you, love my mom, but oh the connection between her brain and her mouth is like a slide with no buffers or stops. My family and I were approaching the gathering where there was in progress the celebration of my dear Grandfather 93rd birthday. Mother had arrived before we had. I was walking up to join the family. I take after her in that I am stocky, that day I was wearing a dark purple dress with rick rack trim. She stated loudly as we approached the group, "Charleen, you look like a purple dirigible." I was truly tested that day!! I know how you felt. Love and understanding is our armour. Charleen

Response:

This is somewhat my mom. I have the solace in as much as my mom goes on and on about weight, she fights that battle (much better than I do, BTW, and with more steadfastness) herself. I know she only wants me to be the best I can be. My siblings take this all much worse than I do and become defensive instead of agreeing and going past the subject. I mean, just say "Uh-huh, mom" and then try to change the subject. We aren’t going to change them, and in the end, they don’t say these things to hurt but in their mind they are offering advice. That it comes out wrong is something we can’t change. For my mom, it is just something that she always *wished* she could do, and wished her mom had cared enough to say to her (never mind that had she done that, my mom would have been like us and somewhat offended, but her mom just plain didn’t care much about her period, so any attention would have been good.) We can’t change them, so we might as well accept them and steer the conversation as best we can away from certain subjects.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. Oh, don’t let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it’s her job to tell you. I remember once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat’s pajamas in, and my mom’s remark was, "Aren’t you getting a little hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt) Now there’s nobody to tell me when I look hippy Sherry

You look hippy. Gracie a mother is a mother is a mother

Response:

Monique, I have had to deal with this all my life with my mother — it never seems to get through their "well-meaning" (mine always says she "means well" as if that excuses all tactless comments) heads that it is unkind. I used to be so hurt about it because my mother always ragged on my curly hair and how it "used" to look good when I was younger (and put my hair up in orange juice cans to straighten it). I never did anything to her satisfaction in my house either. I finally learned to let it go because at 84 years old she ain’t gonna change. I also have taken personal vows never to do this to my daughter!!!! Christine – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now." Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt. She doesn’t just pull this stunt with me … while we were staying with my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated to my aunt) about how you wouldn’t want to be a woman who’s been married several times … when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were visiting some of my aunt’s friends, one was talking about a horrible flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You’re lying. Lufthansa always serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried to shut her up. There’s a quote I found … I honestly don’t know where it comes from (anyone know?) … but I wish I could somehow make Mom’s words pass through this filter before they came out her mouth: "The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, ‘Are these words true?’ If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate, we ask, ‘Are they necessary?’ At the last gate, we ask, ‘Are they kind?’" -Eknath Easwaran — monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. Your mother is my mother… and you can keep her I swear this – they are one and the same woman – they speak in indentical terms! So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now." Count yourself lucky. Whilst in my mid-twenties, and *slim* I was wearing a short dress. My mother told me not to wear it as… wait for it… remember I’m in my twenties at the time… I was "no spring chicken anymore." Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt. They do hurt. They *know* it hurts. Sadly. It’s something some mothers do. On the plus side, my mother having the tact & diplomacy section of her brain being the size of a gnat’s testicle, made me acutely aware of just how damaging thoughtless remarks from a parent to a child can be – as a result, she did me a favour, I really make a concerted effort *not* to be like that with Nathan Cheers, helen s

Yep, me too. I made a concious effort to tell my children, at least once a day, how smart and beautiful they were. Even now I tell my daughter what a good mother she is, how gorgeous she is, how smart she is (she’s going for a B.S. in nursing and she’s acing all her courses!) And I tell my son what a good, strong, caring husband and father he is and how brilliant he is (he is *amazingly* creative). I wish people would realize that if they want to change a person for the better then they should quit criticizing and start complimenting. The more you compliment a person, they harder they will try to live up to your good opinion in order to not only get more praise, but to feel they deserve the praise they’re getting. It really works! My children grew up for the first, critical, years of their lives with an abusive alcoholic for a father, yet they remain untraumatized and unaffected by that – they are strong and healthy (mentally and physically) adults who are rearing wonderful, healthy children of their own!!!!! Hugs, CatNipped

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now." Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt. She doesn’t just pull this stunt with me … while we were staying with my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated to my aunt) about how you wouldn’t want to be a woman who’s been married several times … when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were visiting some of my aunt’s friends, one was talking about a horrible flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You’re lying. Lufthansa always serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried to shut her up. There’s a quote I found … I honestly don’t know where it comes from (anyone know?) … but I wish I could somehow make Mom’s words pass through this filter before they came out her mouth: "The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, ‘Are these words true?’ If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate, we ask, ‘Are they necessary?’ At the last gate, we ask, ‘Are they kind?’" -Eknath Easwaran — monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Ah Monique how I wish I had heard that quote many years ago. I, like you, love my mom, but oh the connection between her brain and her mouth is like a slide with no buffers or stops. My family and I were approaching the gathering where there was in progress the celebration of my dear Grandfather 93rd birthday. Mother had arrived before we had. I was walking up to join the family. I take after her in that I am stocky, that day I was wearing a dark purple dress with rick rack trim. She stated loudly as we approached the group, "Charleen, you look like a purple dirigible." I was truly tested that day!! I know how you felt. Love and understanding is our armour. Charleen

Response:

Oh, don’t let it bug you. Mine was the same way. Unfortunately, I lost her at 19. Maybe your mom thinks it’s her job to tell you. I remember once wearing a new outfit I thought I just looked like the cat’s pajamas in, and my mom’s remark was, "Aren’t you getting a little hippy?" (hippy in those days meaning, a big butt) Now there’s nobody to tell me when I look hippy Sherry

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now." Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt. She doesn’t just pull this stunt with me … while we were staying with my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated to my aunt) about how you wouldn’t want to be a woman who’s been married several times … when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were visiting some of my aunt’s friends, one was talking about a horrible flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You’re lying. Lufthansa always serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried to shut her up. There’s a quote I found … I honestly don’t know where it comes from (anyone know?) … but I wish I could somehow make Mom’s words pass through this filter before they came out her mouth: "The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, ‘Are these words true?’ If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate, we ask, ‘Are they necessary?’ At the last gate, we ask, ‘Are they kind?’" -Eknath Easwaran

Re Weight: I know exactly what you mean. I think this may be the only society in the history of the world that’s producing perfectly healthy young women who are deliberately starving themselves *TO DEATH* because they’ve been brainwashed that "thin is beautiful". Nevermind that as large a percentage of people are born to be ectomorphs as are born to be endomorphs – your genetics will determine that and there’s nothing you can safely do that will change it. Never mind that as long as you’re healthy it shouldn’t matter what the numbers on the scale say. I wish "Twiggy" had never been born!!!! When a gorgeous woman like Marilyn Monroe would now be considered fat – well our standards are warped! Had you lived in the time of Botticelli you would have probably been considered way to skinny!!! Re Moms that drive you crazy: I know exactly what you mean!!! I spent a large portion of my live trying (and failing) to get my mother’s approval and love – and though I love her dearly, I finally had to learn how to become my own nurturer because I was *never* going to get it from her! Hugs, CatNipped – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – — monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Response:

Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good person, she’s kind-hearted, and she doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. It’s just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her mouth. So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now." Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt. She doesn’t just pull this stunt with me … while we were staying with my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated to my aunt) about how you wouldn’t want to be a woman who’s been married several times … when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were visiting some of my aunt’s friends, one was talking about a horrible flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You’re lying. Lufthansa always serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried to shut her up. There’s a quote I found … I honestly don’t know where it comes from (anyone know?) … but I wish I could somehow make Mom’s words pass through this filter before they came out her mouth: "The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, ‘Are these words true?’ If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate, we ask, ‘Are they necessary?’ At the last gate, we ask, ‘Are they kind?’" -Eknath Easwaran — monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Response:

Your mother is my mother… and you can keep her I swear this – they are one and the same woman – they speak in indentical terms! So yesterday, I’m on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work. "Well, you shouldn’t wear shorts to work. It looks bad." "I know the shorts I have aren’t appropriate for work. That’s why I’m going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at this company." "Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have now."

Count yourself lucky. Whilst in my mid-twenties, and *slim* I was wearing a short dress. My mother told me not to wear it as… wait for it… remember I’m in my twenties at the time… I was "no spring chicken anymore." – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Let’s review. I tell my mom I’m planning to buy longer shorts for work, and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see, I’m heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice martial arts and go hiking with my friends … that’s not important. What’s important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every opportunity). You know, I really try to have a good body image … DH loves my body. Sure, I’d like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast majority of Americans. I’d rather be overweight and active than thin and inactive, that’s for damn sure. I don’t know how to make it so that comments like this don’t hurt.

They do hurt. They *know* it hurts. Sadly. It’s something some mothers do. On the plus side, my mother having the tact & diplomacy section of her brain being the size of a gnat’s testicle, made me acutely aware of just how damaging thoughtless remarks from a parent to a child can be – as a result, she did me a favour, I really make a concerted effort *not* to be like that with Nathan Cheers, helen s

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