Diabetes Talking

Question:

In article <310ptnF354rv…@uni-berlin.de>,  "Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote: > These little things that she mentions (though I’m not sure that never having > a cake with candles on one’s birthday is really so little if it’s part of a > bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still fighting for the > attention/consideration she missed out when she was young.  It doesn’t make > me excuse her, because some of the things she has done and is still doing to > her own children and grandchildren is inexcusable, but at least it makes me > understand why she’s become what she’s become.  I don’t allow it to > manipulate me, and I still agree that she’s pushing my buttons (I don’t > think her children should have to make up for her lacking a true childhood), > but at least it partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask > each other on a frequent basis–that of "why" she’s the way she is.

Bingo!  That’s what I was saying I resonated with in my response.  I wonder how many people go through this as a natural stage, part of mid-life — the stage when you start to understand why one’s parents were the way they were.  Not necessarily to excuse or forgive, but to understand. Priscilla — "It is very, very dangerous to treat any human, lowest of the low even, with contempt and arrogant whatever.   The Lord takes this kind of treatment very, very personal." – QBaal in newsgroup alt.religion.christian.episcopal

Response:

Marilee wrote: >> "Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmul…@comcast.net> wrote in message >>What does her diet consist of? > She’s on a "low oxalate" diet, and she’s anal about it.  She absolutely will > not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate" column. > http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm

That is very limited and I can’t see a way to make a cake within the diet. > I was relieved when my older sister told me she’d made her a cake–no > candles, but a birthday cake just the same–when Mom was 41.  I believe it’s > my grandmother Mom resents.

It still isn’t the same as a birthday cake with candles. Some people wouldn’t care, but I can see it meaning a lot to others. I read your other post about your mom and your grandmother and can see where the resentment comes from. sue

Response:

"Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmul…@comcast.net> wrote in message news:30vktlF375o4kU1@uni-berlin.de… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Marilee wrote: >> "Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message >> news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… >>>>From: "Marilee" >>>>Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a >>>>birthday cake." >>>>I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can >>>>recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it >>>>didn’t >>>>bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with >>>>candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat >>>>diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. >>>>I still feel like crying. >>>(((( Marilee)))) >>>  Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for a >>> day? >> No, she won’t give up the diet. > What does her diet consist of?

She’s on a "low oxalate" diet, and she’s anal about it.  She absolutely will not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate" column. http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm > There has to be some way to get around it and get or make her something > that could be considered a birthday cake.

I was relieved when my older sister told me she’d made her a cake–no candles, but a birthday cake just the same–when Mom was 41.  I believe it’s my grandmother Mom resents. Marilee

Response:

"Eva" <EvaDStructio…@NOverizon.net> wrote in message

news:9jxqd.1146$nq6.1125@trndny09… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote in message > news:30v7moF34k4g9U1@uni-berlin.de… >> "Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message >> news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… >> > >From: "Marilee" >> >>Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a >> >>birthday cake." >> >>I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can >> >>recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it >> >>didn’t >> >>bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with >> >>candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat >> >>diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. >> >>I still feel like crying. >> > (((( Marilee)))) >> >   Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for > a >> > day? >> No, she won’t give up the diet. >> However, I have an update.  I told my older sister about it, and she said >> she’d made Mom a German chocolate cake for her birthday when OS was 16. > It >> didn’t have candles on it, but it was a *cake* on her *birthday*.  So > Mom’s >> memory is faulty–not surprising in an 86 year old. > ———– > Anyone can make a cake from a mix in an hour or so.  Look at all the time > you invested making her those Eddy Arnold CDs!!!!  I think she’s pushing > your buttons again, Marilee.  (Go on and tell me to shut up.)

Oh, I’m absolutely sure she’s pushing my buttons.  (She can’t eat cake mix cakes anymore.  Or I should probably say "won’t".)  Much of what she says is designed to engender sympathy.  Sometimes, though, there’s still a glimmer of truth at the core. Marilee

Response:

"Priscilla Ballou" <vze23…@verizon.net> wrote in message

news:vze23t8n-E58C6B.09482929112004@news.verizon.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> In article <310ptnF354rv…@uni-berlin.de>, >  "Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote: > > These little things that she mentions (though I’m not sure that never having > > a cake with candles on one’s birthday is really so little if it’s part of a > > bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still fighting for the > > attention/consideration she missed out when she was young.  It doesn’t make > > me excuse her, because some of the things she has done and is still doing to > > her own children and grandchildren is inexcusable, but at least it makes me > > understand why she’s become what she’s become.  I don’t allow it to > > manipulate me, and I still agree that she’s pushing my buttons (I don’t > > think her children should have to make up for her lacking a true childhood), > > but at least it partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask > > each other on a frequent basis–that of "why" she’s the way she is. > Bingo!  That’s what I was saying I resonated with in my response.  I > wonder how many people go through this as a natural stage, part of > mid-life — the stage when you start to understand why one’s parents > were the way they were.  Not necessarily to excuse or forgive, but to > understand.

I meant to comment on your first response–it was wonderful.  Then I started reading the rest and failed to go back to the first. So thank you for both of your posts.  I agree with both of them, for the most part. Marilee

Response:

Priscilla Ballou wrote:

I > wonder how many people go through this as a natural stage, part of > mid-life — the stage when you start to understand why one’s parents > were the way they were.  Not necessarily to excuse or forgive, but to > understand.

About 20 yrs ago my mother had a heart attack and my sister and I flew   down to Florida to take care of her. We also had to get my step-father into a residential alcohol program. During the time that my sister and I were alone with my mother, there were lots of things we found out about my mother’s life that we never knew about. It helped us understand a lot of things, both good and bad. sue

Response:

"Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote in news:310ptnF354rvgU1@uni-berlin.de: > These little things that she mentions (though I’m not sure that never > having a cake with candles on one’s birthday is really so little if > it’s part of a bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still > fighting for the attention/consideration she missed out when she was > young.  It doesn’t make me excuse her, because some of the things she > has done and is still doing to her own children and grandchildren is > inexcusable, but at least it makes me understand why she’s become what > she’s become.  I don’t allow it to manipulate me, and I still agree > that she’s pushing my buttons (I don’t think her children should have > to make up for her lacking a true childhood), but at least it > partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask each other on > a frequent basis–that of "why" she’s the way she is.

Would it be in order here for me to disagree?  Or is this too close to your heart to hear it?  I have in mind a more general discussion but I’ll refrain if it might hurt you. Chakolate — Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.   –Robert Heinlein

Response:

"Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >From: "Marilee" > >Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a > >birthday cake." > >I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can > >recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it didn’t > >bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with > >candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat > >diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. > >I still feel like crying. > (((( Marilee)))) >    Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for a day? >  I think she would love it. >   I do know how you feel, I cry about my Mom all the time.

Marilee – there’s bound to be a cake recipe somewhere that fits in with your mother’s restricted diet.  I’d present Mum with such a cake, complete with candles, and photograph her blowing them out, in case her memory goes again. — Jette "Work for Peace and remain Fiercely Loving" – Jim Byrnes je…@blueyonder.co.uk http://www.jette.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

Response:

"Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote in news:30uk6aF347h3hU1@uni-berlin.de: > I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can > recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it > didn’t bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday > cake with candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird > low oxalate diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting > anymore. > I still feel like crying.

You know, you might find a world of stuff to talk about if you try to find out more about her past.  As I think I’ve mentioned, my father is a very difficult man to get along with, but recently I found that asking him questions about his past leads to talk on very safe grounds. Frex, I asked him something about his service in WWII, and I got fascinating details about his time in the Phillippines.  Then I asked him whether he grew up on the farm or was only there for a while, and I heard about all the places he lived.  I’m finding out quite a lot about my own history, and it comes along without any of the baggage of our mutual history.  If that makes any sense.   Even later stuff works.  I asked him to tell me what it was like when my older sister was born, and found out there had been a medical crisis, and in the process of hearing the story I got lots of insights into the character of an aunt and uncle I only knew slightly.   We can’t talk about anything in general: politics, religion, world events, even neighborhood events all lead to battles between us.  (I, of course, remaining sweetly reasonable all the while.)  But him relating his experiences can be a real bonding experience.   So ask your mom how she met your dad.  Ask her what teacher she liked best.   Ask her how she chose her occupation, whatever it may have been, and what she would have liked to do instead.  Ask her about her first car.   Of course, all this advice may well be worth exactly what you paid for it.   Chakolate — Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.   –Robert Heinlein

Response:

"Priscilla H. Ballou" <vze23…@verizon.net> wrote in message news:41AB6E07.A54A2D13@verizon.net… > Marilee wrote: > > I meant to comment on your first response–it was wonderful.  Then I started > > reading the rest and failed to go back to the first. > > So thank you for both of your posts.  I agree with both of them, for the > > most part. > "For the most part" is fine with me!  It’s good to know one is not the > only one going through something, isn’t it?

Yes, it is.  :) From what you’ve said, though, you do a much better job of mothering ~your~ mother than I do mothering mine.  The fact is, I’m tired of it.  We’ve had to for years.  I try to be patient and understanding, but sometimes I fail miserably. Marilee

Response:

Chris Malcolm <c…@holyrood.ed.ac.uk> wrote: > Thanks, Mum, for everything.

And thank you, Chris, for sharing your mother with us. — ****** Keera in Norway ****** * Think big. Shrink to fit. * http://home.online.no/~kafox/

Response:

"Chakolate" <chakolateDeathToSpamm…@allvantage.com> wrote in message

news:Xns95B08C93AC3D9chakolatehotmailcom@130.133.1.4… > So ask your mom how she met your dad.

Oh, I know that story.  They were in college–Mayville State.  He was working his way through doing odd jobs.  She broke a drawer on purpose…. >Ask her what teacher she liked best.

I know that one, too.  A husband-wife team:  Mr. and Mrs. Olafson.  One taught English, the other a lower grade.  She still quotes them. > Ask her how she chose her occupation, whatever it may have been, and what > she would have liked to do instead.

Nothing.  "All I ever wanted to be was a mother." >Ask her about her first car.

Hmm.  This one I don’t know, because I don’t think she ever had a car until she and Dad got their first. > Of course, all this advice may well be worth exactly what you paid for it. >

Mom tells many stories about her childhood and early adulthood.  The trouble is, we never know when something’s the truth or when it’s the "rewritten" version.  Mom’s famous for her rewrites. Marilee

Response:

"sue and dave" <sdhbm…@prexar.com> wrote in news:10qko4dhi3ivec3@corp.supernews.com: > I wish my Mom could remember birthdays, I wish she could recognize her > grandsons, I wish she could keep up her part of a telephone visit. > Dad misses her committment to HIS care, she no longer remembers who, > what, why  where or when she was  responsible.

Have you forgiven her for all the things she did?  If she can’t remember them any more, there’s no point to holding on to them.  (BTDT, wrote about it in livejournal.) > I got the word Thanksgiving Day that my Dad has  a malignant > pancreatic tumor.  He/WE are scared, frightened and feeling helpless, > and crying is an OK response for right now. He is 84 and something is > going to kill him.  He has  faced down Type 1 diabetes  since 1942 and > has  4 kids

A T1 for 62 years?  I am completely impressed.  He’s a fighter, big time.   Tell him I’m pulling for him in this fight, too. > We do keep learning about our strengths and our weaknesses.     We are > human.   You can cry, give yourself permission,  and know you aren’t > alone.

Good words, Sue.  I hope your own crying is in the arms of your loved ones. Chakolate — Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.   –Robert Heinlein

Response:

"Eva" <EvaDStructio…@NOverizon.net> wrote in message

news:9jxqd.1146$nq6.1125@trndny09… > ———– > Anyone can make a cake from a mix in an hour or so.  Look at all the time > you invested making her those Eddy Arnold CDs!!!!  I think she’s pushing > your buttons again, Marilee.  (Go on and tell me to shut up.)

I thought I’d add one more thing (and it’s still not telling you to shut up).  :) I don’t think that making a birthday cake ***now*** would make up for anything, but the fact that she’s never had a birthday cake with candles gives me one more snapshot of her young life.  She tells stories of always having to watch "the baby".  (She’s the oldest girl in a family of 7 children; her older brother never got babysitting or kitchen duty.)  She hates gardening because her mother was always out in one, leaving Mom in the house with a crew of younger siblings when she probably should have been out playing.  There are lots of little anecdotes that she has told over the years–not constantly, but every now and then when something triggers a memory. For as long as I can remember, though, Mom has needed/insisted on being the center of attention in a group, has to win all the trivia games (when she started to lose, she suddenly became too old to play, or had a faulty game piece), had to be the best cook, etc. These little things that she mentions (though I’m not sure that never having a cake with candles on one’s birthday is really so little if it’s part of a bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still fighting for the attention/consideration she missed out when she was young.  It doesn’t make me excuse her, because some of the things she has done and is still doing to her own children and grandchildren is inexcusable, but at least it makes me understand why she’s become what she’s become.  I don’t allow it to manipulate me, and I still agree that she’s pushing my buttons (I don’t think her children should have to make up for her lacking a true childhood), but at least it partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask each other on a frequent basis–that of "why" she’s the way she is. Marilee

Response:

> I still feel like crying.

Marilee, for what it’s worth I think you should cry if you want to.  Throw yourself on the floor and bawl your eyes out. I can tell from some of the posts I’ve gotten from you that you’re a very sensitive and caring person and I think you may be feeling a bit guilty for not being able to solve everyone’s problems(takes one to know one eh!)  Well don’t! But cry if you want to – it always makes me feel better – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Marilee

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Marilee wrote: > "Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message > news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… >>>From: "Marilee" >>>Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a >>>birthday cake." >>>I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can >>>recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it >>>didn’t >>>bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with >>>candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat >>>diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. >>>I still feel like crying. >>(((( Marilee)))) >>  Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for a >>day? > No, she won’t give up the diet.

What does her diet consist of? There has to be some way to get around it and get or make her something that could be considered a birthday cake. sue

Response:

"Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote in message

news:30v7moF34k4g9U1@uni-berlin.de… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message > news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… > > >From: "Marilee" > >>Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a > >>birthday cake." > >>I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can > >>recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it > >>didn’t > >>bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with > >>candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat > >>diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. > >>I still feel like crying. > > (((( Marilee)))) > >   Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for a > > day? > No, she won’t give up the diet. > However, I have an update.  I told my older sister about it, and she said > she’d made Mom a German chocolate cake for her birthday when OS was 16. It > didn’t have candles on it, but it was a *cake* on her *birthday*.  So Mom’s > memory is faulty–not surprising in an 86 year old.

———– Anyone can make a cake from a mix in an hour or so.  Look at all the time you invested making her those Eddy Arnold CDs!!!!  I think she’s pushing your buttons again, Marilee.  (Go on and tell me to shut up.) Eva

Response:

Marilee <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote: > "Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message > news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… >> >From: "Marilee" >>>Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a >>>birthday cake." >>>I still feel like crying. > However, I have an update.  I told my older sister about it, and she said > she’d made Mom a German chocolate cake for her birthday when OS was 16.  It > didn’t have candles on it, but it was a *cake* on her *birthday*.  So Mom’s > memory is faulty–not surprising in an 86 year old.

When my Mum was in her 80s and had come to spend her last years with my sister we took the opportunity to ask her about all those old childhood events of ours where we only knew half of the story. Some of them had been world shattering events to us, but she had completely forgotten many of them, even though we remembered that twenty or thirty years earlier she had remembered them. So, don’t leave it too late before asking your Mum important questions. She did floor us sometimes, however. The Big One was when she casually said to my sister and I after dinner, me being the eldest, "Didn’t I tell you about your older brother?" We were speechless. In fact the older brother I never knew about may have saved my life. The doctors told her that if she took me home I would die in a month or two, like my brother. If she left me in the hospital with their specialised care I might last six months. She was a well-brought up doctor’s daughter, so she didn’t say anything rude to the doctors. She just thought it. She thought fiercely "You bastards are not going to get this one!" and took me home. She stayed with me day and night praying and caring and willing me to live. I was a sickly child, frequently ill, but I lived. And when she told us that story I understood why Mum was always what I thought was insanely overprotective about my health. She also had this very firm conviction, which she insisted on throughout our childhoods, that if one of her children was ill, it really helped if she sat and held the child’s hand. I remember her holding my hand for hours. I’d fall asleep, and wake up, and she was still there, holding my hand, willing me better. In later life she was picked up by some psychic healers who told her she had a natural talent, and who trained her free. She had some remarkable successes with it. She always said that maybe God had given her the gift of psychic healing for me, so that her baby would live. But she didn’t tell us the whole story until the year before she died. She also told us lots of amazing stories about how she wandered all over the country in the last years of the war, with no money, trying to find somewhere safe from German bombs for her children, on her own. Dad was away in the army. My sister remembers nothing of the war. I remember bits of it. Oddly enough some of what I remember from those ancient days aren’t real things, they were dreams, nightmares, which to a tiny child were as terrible and memorable as real things. It took me until I was about ten before I stopped taking my dream life as seriously as my real life. More seriously in fact, because I was convinced my life was threatened in my dreams. And having said that, I’ve suddenly realised something for the first time. It was in my dreams that I learned how to fight disease and injury. Whenever I was ill as a child, which was often, and sometimes very serious, I would fight the disease in my dreams. I knew that’s what I was doing, and I knew that in order to live I had to vanquish the disease in my dreams first. As an adult I’ve been extraordinarily good at recovering from diseases and injuries very much better than I was supposed to. I realise now that my well-developed intuitive sense of how to do that came from those dreams of childhood — some of which I still remember today — in which I fought the disease night after night, and eventually vanquished it. It was a kind of symbolic magic. Is that something Mum communicated to her second baby as she struggled to keep him alive? Thanks, Mum, for everything. — Chris Malcolm c…@infirmatics.ed.ac.uk +44 (0)131 651 3445 DoD #205 IPAB,  Informatics,  JCMB, King’s Buildings, Edinburgh, EH9 3JZ, UK [http://www.dai.ed.ac.uk/homes/cam/]

Response:

> I think she has to just come to terms with it.  Mothers get blamed for > things that aren’t their faults all the time.  (My kids often seem to think > that I can just say a few magical words that will make all 4 of them see the > others’ sides and thus heal all wounds.  It’s impossible.  They’re 4 > individuals that love each other but don’t always like each other.  I’ve > announced to all of them that they can include me out of their occasional > dust-ups.

  After all, they’re adults, now, and if they want to argue or make – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> peace they don’t need my permission–or interference–to orchestrate it.) > Mom thinks that ~~~I~~~ should do something about my sisters.  I think I’ve > done what I can.  I bridged the communication gap between YS and OS a few > years ago.  I was not a participant in the hurt–though I witnessed part of > it.  I know both sides, and I know that OS is more at fault than YS, but…. > OS is 61, and perfectly capable of saying, "Why were you mad?"  YS is 50, > and likewise capable of saying, "Do you want to know why I was so angry?" > Mom thinks that I should further launch myself into things and inform OS of > what she did nearly a decade ago that caused YS such hurt.  I wonder why > it’s my job.  Mom was certainly a party to the whole action, while I was > not.  Apparently that makes me the one, in Mom’s opinion, that should "stand > up" for her.  She’s not concerned about her daughters; she’s concerned about > herself.  I mended the original breach, with cooperation from my sisters. I > don’t much feel like causing another one just because Mom doesn’t want to > deal with it herself. > So that’s my gripe. > But as I said, it’s Mom’s birthday today.  I visited her this morning, > taking the gift that we three daughters got her, and stayed to visit.  She > was full of news and trivia, complained about her best friend, asked me to > fix the window liner, had me watch the video tape my son and his wife had > sent her:  a tour of their home.  It was a pretty typical visit. > I hadn’t called ahead of time.  When I got there she was still in her > bathrobe.  She said, "I meant to be dressed before you got here, but [YS] > called and I didn’t have time."  I said, "Oh, you knew I was coming?"  She > allowed that it was something she was very sure she could count on.  I was > relieved that I had, indeed, gone to visit her. > She asked me to find out who William H Macy’s wife is, as she couldn’t > remember (Felicity Huffman), and wanted to know who Shelley Long was married > to that she might want to commit suicide over (Bruce Tyson–securities > broker, not famous), and to look up something called HTO that she was hoping > was available for pain management for vulvodynia (it’s not, as far as I can > tell). > Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a > birthday cake." > I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can > recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it didn’t > bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with > candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalate > diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. > I still feel like crying. > Marilee

Response:

"Tracy" <tdeanne1…@aol.com> wrote in message

news:20041128190215.08198.00001608@mb-m04.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >From: "Marilee" >>Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a >>birthday cake." >>I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can >>recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it >>didn’t >>bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with >>candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat >>diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. >>I still feel like crying. > (((( Marilee)))) >   Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for a > day?

No, she won’t give up the diet. However, I have an update.  I told my older sister about it, and she said she’d made Mom a German chocolate cake for her birthday when OS was 16.  It didn’t have candles on it, but it was a *cake* on her *birthday*.  So Mom’s memory is faulty–not surprising in an 86 year old. Marilee – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I think she would love it. >  I do know how you feel, I cry about my Mom all the time. >   Tracy

Response:

"Marilee" wrote in message news:30uk6aF347h3hU1@uni-berlin.de… > Today is Mom’s birthday.

lots snippage > I still feel like crying. > Marilee

Marilee, just go ahead and bawl, it’s a healthy thing to cry  over stuff that can’t be fixed.  I’ll join you. I wish my Mom could remember birthdays, I wish she could recognize her grandsons, I wish she could keep up her part of a telephone visit. Dad misses her committment to HIS care, she no longer remembers who, what, why  where or when she was  responsible. I got the word Thanksgiving Day that my Dad has  a malignant pancreatic tumor.  He/WE are scared, frightened and feeling helpless, and crying is an OK response for right now. He is 84 and something is going to kill him.  He has  faced down Type 1 diabetes  since 1942 and has  4 kids We do keep learning about our strengths and our weaknesses.     We are human.   You can cry, give yourself permission,  and know you aren’t alone. Sue  out there in the boonies of Western Maine

Response:

>From: "Marilee" >Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a >birthday cake." >I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can >recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it didn’t >bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with >candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalat >diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. >I still feel like crying.

(((( Marilee))))    Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake?  Can she forget her diet for a day?  I think she would love it.   I do know how you feel, I cry about my Mom all the time.    Tracy

Response:

marylee, first happy birthday to your mom.  if you still feel like crying well then go right ahead.  heck, if it makes you feel better — DO IT! ok, here’s my two cents.  i think your attitude regarding your sisters is a healthy one.  it’s over and done with.  you did your part.  if they really want to get on with the business of liking each other again, then they will be sure to mend their differences and keep you OUT OF THE MIDDLE of it. now,if you’ve got a liking for flavored brandy and you’re in the mood, pour yourself a small glass, sit down and relax and just take your mind off things for a while. hugs to you. mickey "Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote in message

news:30uk6aF347h3hU1@uni-berlin.de… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Today is Mom’s birthday. > She’s been on one of her "poor, pitiful me" kicks lately, and since I’m the > one that lives nearby, I’m the one that must hear the most about it. > History:  My older sister inadvertently caused my younger sister extreme > distress some years ago.  There was no "intent" to cause the hurt.  Mom was > smack dab in the middle of it, unable to please either one completely, but > caught in a promise so that my younger sister was very hurt.  ~~Most~~ of > the time the hurt is buried.  We all call each other, keep in touch, share > stories.  But sometimes the hurt rears its ugly head, and younger sister > says stuff to Mom about the incident.  Mom (who didn’t really handle the > past situation well) has been complaining of late that she’s tired of being > "blamed for things" that aren’t her fault. > I think she has to just come to terms with it.  Mothers get blamed for > things that aren’t their faults all the time.  (My kids often seem to think > that I can just say a few magical words that will make all 4 of them see the > others’ sides and thus heal all wounds.  It’s impossible.  They’re 4 > individuals that love each other but don’t always like each other.  I’ve > announced to all of them that they can include me out of their occasional > dust-ups.  After all, they’re adults, now, and if they want to argue or make > peace they don’t need my permission–or interference–to orchestrate it.) > Mom thinks that ~~~I~~~ should do something about my sisters.  I think I’ve > done what I can.  I bridged the communication gap between YS and OS a few > years ago.  I was not a participant in the hurt–though I witnessed part of > it.  I know both sides, and I know that OS is more at fault than YS, but…. > OS is 61, and perfectly capable of saying, "Why were you mad?"  YS is 50, > and likewise capable of saying, "Do you want to know why I was so angry?" > Mom thinks that I should further launch myself into things and inform OS of > what she did nearly a decade ago that caused YS such hurt.  I wonder why > it’s my job.  Mom was certainly a party to the whole action, while I was > not.  Apparently that makes me the one, in Mom’s opinion, that should "stand > up" for her.  She’s not concerned about her daughters; she’s concerned about > herself.  I mended the original breach, with cooperation from my sisters. I > don’t much feel like causing another one just because Mom doesn’t want to > deal with it herself. > So that’s my gripe. > But as I said, it’s Mom’s birthday today.  I visited her this morning, > taking the gift that we three daughters got her, and stayed to visit.  She > was full of news and trivia, complained about her best friend, asked me to > fix the window liner, had me watch the video tape my son and his wife had > sent her:  a tour of their home.  It was a pretty typical visit. > I hadn’t called ahead of time.  When I got there she was still in her > bathrobe.  She said, "I meant to be dressed before you got here, but [YS] > called and I didn’t have time."  I said, "Oh, you knew I was coming?"  She > allowed that it was something she was very sure she could count on.  I was > relieved that I had, indeed, gone to visit her. > She asked me to find out who William H Macy’s wife is, as she couldn’t > remember (Felicity Huffman), and wanted to know who Shelley Long was married > to that she might want to commit suicide over (Bruce Tyson–securities > broker, not famous), and to look up something called HTO that she was hoping > was available for pain management for vulvodynia (it’s not, as far as I can > tell). > Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a > birthday cake." > I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can > recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it didn’t > bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with > candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalate > diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. > I still feel like crying. > Marilee

Response:

In article <30uk6aF347h3…@uni-berlin.de>,  "Marilee" <marilee.erick…@gmail.com> wrote: > Today is Mom’s birthday.

[snip] > I still feel like crying. > Marilee

{{{Marilee}}} Dealing with mothers is hard.  I applaud you for treating yours with love.  My own took the bus back up to NH yesterday.  She’s 80 and finally starting to feel her age, which took a lot of pressure off me over the holiday, since she wasn’t on her knees scrubbing and sweeping.   I got to clean up after Th’ging dinner at my own pace and with lots of elbow room in the kitchen, while she socialized with my sister, b-i-l, and niece in the livingroom.  Of course then she said she was going crazy because she didn’t have anything to do.  ;-) I’m finding it a very interesting experience to be confronted by my mother’s vulnerabilities and childhood deficits, so your talking about the experience of learning about your mother’s not having a cake as a child rang a bell.  Some years ago my mother finally confided in me some of the details of what happened when her mother died when she was 7.   All of a sudden I found myself thrown back by the volume of insight I gained about why she is the way she is.  It made it a lot easier to deal with her, knowing some of why she’s so unhappy and self-critical and spreads that unhappiness and criticism around so readily.  That was a big step in the role reversal I’m experiencing as my mother and I both age.  I mother her a lot these days — in ways I wish she’d been able to mother me, but I now understand better why she couldn’t.  Through a variety of sources, I’ve been able to gain the wherewithal (and the compassion) to mother my mother’s motherless child.  Hey — at least someone gets what they need, even if it’s 70 years too late!  I am now the strong one, the one able to (sometimes at least) care for the other. I hope you take care of yourself especially well today, Marilee. Priscilla — "It is very, very dangerous to treat any human, lowest of the low even, with contempt and arrogant whatever.   The Lord takes this kind of treatment very, very personal." – QBaal in newsgroup alt.religion.christian.episcopal

Response:

Today is Mom’s birthday. She’s been on one of her "poor, pitiful me" kicks lately, and since I’m the one that lives nearby, I’m the one that must hear the most about it. History:  My older sister inadvertently caused my younger sister extreme distress some years ago.  There was no "intent" to cause the hurt.  Mom was smack dab in the middle of it, unable to please either one completely, but caught in a promise so that my younger sister was very hurt.  ~~Most~~ of the time the hurt is buried.  We all call each other, keep in touch, share stories.  But sometimes the hurt rears its ugly head, and younger sister says stuff to Mom about the incident.  Mom (who didn’t really handle the past situation well) has been complaining of late that she’s tired of being "blamed for things" that aren’t her fault. I think she has to just come to terms with it.  Mothers get blamed for things that aren’t their faults all the time.  (My kids often seem to think that I can just say a few magical words that will make all 4 of them see the others’ sides and thus heal all wounds.  It’s impossible.  They’re 4 individuals that love each other but don’t always like each other.  I’ve announced to all of them that they can include me out of their occasional dust-ups.  After all, they’re adults, now, and if they want to argue or make peace they don’t need my permission–or interference–to orchestrate it.) Mom thinks that ~~~I~~~ should do something about my sisters.  I think I’ve done what I can.  I bridged the communication gap between YS and OS a few years ago.  I was not a participant in the hurt–though I witnessed part of it.  I know both sides, and I know that OS is more at fault than YS, but…. OS is 61, and perfectly capable of saying, "Why were you mad?"  YS is 50, and likewise capable of saying, "Do you want to know why I was so angry?" Mom thinks that I should further launch myself into things and inform OS of what she did nearly a decade ago that caused YS such hurt.  I wonder why it’s my job.  Mom was certainly a party to the whole action, while I was not.  Apparently that makes me the one, in Mom’s opinion, that should "stand up" for her.  She’s not concerned about her daughters; she’s concerned about herself.  I mended the original breach, with cooperation from my sisters.  I don’t much feel like causing another one just because Mom doesn’t want to deal with it herself. So that’s my gripe. But as I said, it’s Mom’s birthday today.  I visited her this morning, taking the gift that we three daughters got her, and stayed to visit.  She was full of news and trivia, complained about her best friend, asked me to fix the window liner, had me watch the video tape my son and his wife had sent her:  a tour of their home.  It was a pretty typical visit. I hadn’t called ahead of time.  When I got there she was still in her bathrobe.  She said, "I meant to be dressed before you got here, but [YS] called and I didn’t have time."  I said, "Oh, you knew I was coming?"  She allowed that it was something she was very sure she could count on.  I was relieved that I had, indeed, gone to visit her. She asked me to find out who William H Macy’s wife is, as she couldn’t remember (Felicity Huffman), and wanted to know who Shelley Long was married to that she might want to commit suicide over (Bruce Tyson–securities broker, not famous), and to look up something called HTO that she was hoping was available for pain management for vulvodynia (it’s not, as far as I can tell). Just before I left she said, "I’m 86 years old, and I’ve never had a birthday cake." I never knew that.  None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can recall; she always said she didn’t want one.  She said today that it didn’t bother her.  But I never knew that she’d never had a birthday cake with candles when she was a little girl.  Now she’s on that weird low oxalate diet that doesn’t allow for normal cake and frosting anymore. I still feel like crying. Marilee

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